The stress, spills and stench of potty training

The stress, spills and stench of potty training
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The christening of corners and carpets – ahh the joys of potty training

Every milestone in a mama and baby’s life is challenging. Some are pleasant and perhaps even enjoyable as you navigate your way to the actual accomplishment. Walking and talking are one of those “fun” ones. Potty training is the trickiest one I’ve experienced so far, filled with the most grossness, fake smiles, fake congratulations and lots of cleaning products and meditation….

5 things that are going through my mind when attempting to potty train my daughter

1.  Why am I doing this again? Isn’t there a nursery that will handle this smelly milestone? There should be centers that do this as a service. Drop your kids off, pick them up in two weeks perfectly potty trained. What would it be called though?
2.  I’m over it. They have teenage sized diapers, right?
3.  I want to kill Elmo and that damn “potty party song”. I know I will be humming it long after she’s fallen asleep tonight.
4.  Am I doing this all wrong? Should I be giving her a gift every time she pees in the right place? How costly is that going to get?
5.  Is that water? Or pee? Or water? Crap, how many more liquids am I gonna have to smell?

5 things that go through my daughter’s mind while I attempt to potty train her

1.  I think I will pee in this corner this morning but I will keep my poop up front and center for the smell to spread around, you know, to stay fresh.
2.  What’s the big deal if I poop near the potty and not in it? Ohhhh it has to go in there? Why didn’t you say so?
3.  Ahhhh! No diapers? This is much better! Freedom and a bit of a draft! Why were you keeping me in those bulky underwear? (3 minutes pass. Ohhhhh.)
4.  So, I know I’ve peed AFTER it trickles down my leg…wait, is that not good enough? Can I not sit on the potty then?
5.  There are so many carpets and corners I have to christen with my bowel movements. How on earth will I get it all done? And why the hell does my mom keep removing my ‘works of art’ and following me around with that weird looking plastic chair?

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s a huge milestone, but I assure you, you will get through it if you jot these five reminders down on a post it and keep re reading them until you’ve memorized them enough to implement them.

1.  Just relax…she can smell your anxiousness. Fact: she’s not gonna stop a 2 year habit in an hour.
2.  Keep showing them where mommy pees. Yes, this is totally and utterly degrading for you but hey, isn’t all of mommyhood?
3.  Buy just one potty (yes despite what many of the cultish mommy bloggers say). That’s right. I’m saying use one potty in the same place. Much like a toilet, which is essentially the point, right?
4.  Try to have the same reward that you present them with every time they do it in the damn potty and not smack dab in the middle of your living room carpet, hallway or on your shoes. Blowing bubbles really worked for us. Much better than my husband’s suggested positive reinforcement of chocolate which only resulted in 3 bouts of diarrhea – a truly enjoyable thing when potty training.
5.  Take advice from everyone but then listen to your child. If you do not fully understand her yet, proceed to take advice from everyone but then listen to your gut.

Best of luck and and remember, 7 billion people have learnt to do it… this too shall pass!

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