Let’s be friends

Let’s be friends
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Many things change with mommyhood. But that’s really old news that we’ve all heard. Sure our butt, metabolism, level of patience, and tolerance for anyone wielding icky sticky fingers all drops a notch or two, but bigger things also change… big picture things.

Previously straightforward things morph into unrecognizable, weird things. Take sleep for example, sleep is no longer something associated with a timeslot of eight consecutive hours. It’s more like, what, sleep? Does a catnap count as a full night’s rest? And stress. Stress is no longer our private worries fed by our own neuroses. It manifests as a colicky baby with a bad latch.

A major shift is that which we moms call our lifeline: female friendship. When we’re younger or still in high school we like to think our close friends are people we have things in common with. Here’s a handy chart to show how friendship evolves with age:

YOUR AGE WHY YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH THAT GIRL
Under 1 year You were plonked on a playmat beside each other while your mommies sipped lattes and bitched, cried, gave each other the low down on the latest baby class, and compared how advanced you both were.
4 years old You both want to be Elsa and can because you both decide there can be an infinite number of Elsas in the world.
9 years old You both love the same Apps on your iPads that you bullied your parents into buying for you.
14 years old You both like the same boy.
19 years old You both are stressing about what amazing careers you’ll have after your expensive college education.
24 years old You compare whose boss is more psychotic.
29 years old You compare whose boss is more psychotic.
34 years old Potty training. Enough said.

There’s that, but then there’s the clear distinction between friendships before kids and after. Your priorities shift from what YOU like and want to what your kids like and want. So, here they are… some boxes to tick in what you look for in a girl friend pre- and post-kids.

Pre-kids, she:

1. is fun
2. likes the same music you like so no fighting over what club to go out to
3. will order your dirty martini – extra dirty – while you pee
4. will tell you if your butt looks big
5. will never call you fat
6. will listen to you talk about a boy that you met once who you are convinced likes you because he blinked in your general direction… flirtatiously
7. will be patient when she can’t hear you over the loud music when you’re trying to tell her whose name the table is under after three failed texts

Post-kids, will she:

1. study your Whats App image carefully enough to tell you if your baby’s poop looks “normal”
2. listen to you cry about how tired you are and not try to “fix it” but instead, simply make eye contact and say, “I know”… much unlike your husband
3. get your soy iced pumpkin spice order right before you get there
4. tell you when your butt looks big but, more importantly how to hide it
5. make gym dates to help you get your fat ass on the treadmill
6. listen to you say “I’m going to have a breakdown” and let you have one
7. be patient when she can’t hear you over your two year old’s screams when you tell her she has to brush her teeth
8. say, “I’m not one to judge, but how can you let your child run around at 7:01 p.m. – if it were mine they’d be in bed asleep.”

At the end of the day, if you can’t share some exhausted, parenting-fail confession to your girl friend and receive a simple, “I’ve done that too” then there’s always the Delete Contact option. Or you can keep sending her the photos of baby poop until she ups her game.

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