Types of Grocery Shopping Moms
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I love scoping out how other mamas shop at my local supermarket. It’s the great leveler because we all need food, right? It’s not like we all find ourselves in Baby Dior everyday. It’s where our true selves come out to play because we’re in a rush, ticking one more thing off the list, and trying to keep our act together.

The Humanitarian – She strolls the aisles and repeatedly tells everyone around her, and her children that not every one has food. She can be overheard saying “Cornflakes? You think they have cornflakes in Somalia?” She believes in giving her kids the bare minimum so that they learn to appreciate that not everyone has what they have. This is also known as guilt-tripping.

Speed: Sauntering. Nothing is as important as remembering that no man is an island.

Purpose: Think about others and add a dash of guilt for behavior modification

The Educator – This mama zones in on creating the potential learning opportunity in every mundane task. Her kids learn to spell INJUSTICE before their own name and that’s just because she prioritizes explaining real issues and less the teaching of basic colors. A definite over explainers you will find a lot of obscure objects in her cart: truffles, squid and quinoa because the spelling is tricky.

Speed: Walking with intentional steps

Purpose: Be the change you want to see in the organic aisle

The Mom who Lives off Netflix – She’s never written a weekly meal plan in her life. Who would do that? In her cart: 1. crackers because they can be eaten on the go; 2. milk because they we all need milk; 3. orange juice because it makes her feel better getting that 7-a-day servings of fruit and veg into kids who hate all things green, and 4. a taco dinner kit.

Speed/Pace: No time to chat or look at prices. She throws whatever she’s craving into her cart.

Purpose: Netflix before You

The Opportunist – She treats all the aisles like a soft play area. Usually a working mom with no time to organize playdates or orchestrate pick up and drop offs. In her cart you’ll find a lot of frozen items: vegetables, hamburger meat and always a carton of ice cream to soften the blow that she has to work after dinner… again.

Speed: Trying to stroll but has an eye on the clock.

Purpose: No time to take you to that new play place as promised, knock yourselves out in the fruit and veg aisle!

When in doubt, stay at home and be The Invisible Mom ordering groceries online… so much easier to drink coffee while you do that.

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Tutu truths …
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I loved doing ballet class as a kid. I mean really loved it. I remember my teacher, Mrs. Mooftizadi giving us M&Ms in tiny Ziplock bags when we danced well or just didn’t have tantrums. I made some lifelong buddies there so nowadays I’m hoping to do the same with the moms outside class when I take my girl there. Here are the moms I spot, and by the way I am all of these moms on any given Tuesday so I’m not judging, I’m relating.

Side-stage mom

We all do it. Relive our childhood through our kids. I am trying not to be the mom shouting, “PLIER AND POINT THOSE TOES” from the outside of the class. I’m also trying not to dress in matching ballet gear like my daughter.

My opening line to become her friend: “Wow, your tutu really matches your handbag!”

The uninvolved-let-me-delegate mom

She thinks activities are overrated. Why the morning rush to get them to sports or extracurricular activities when they can barely control their bowel movements? She does have a point there. Will they remember any of this baby yoga, toddler swim class, or contemporary dance for 4 year olds? She is willing, however to send her kids along with someone else. Anyone else.

My opening line: an SMS asking her for tips on how to delegate.

The ball-of-contradictions mom

She hovers outside the door in plain view of the kids inside plus the ticked-off teacher who told all the parents to stay outside. She’ll be What’s Apping her sister. You know, so she still feels like she has a life outside of parenting yet every time her child looks over she’s also engaging with them and making them want to run over and abandon their jetées and arabesques. Probably just so she still feels like she’s a good mom.

My opening line: “Oh, shoot, is that your girl crying?”

The technology-obsessed mom

She will come equipped with two phones, battery charger for these two phones, her tablet for a quick video segment, and her Kindle because she’s also in the middle of a gripping psychological suspense and she’s sure the wife is a sociopath. Call that a ‘gut feeling.’

My opening line: “Sure, I’ll sign your release form but make sure you catch my good side and not my Kate-Middleton Mama-mad frown, m’kay?”

The social butterfly mom

She can’t remember what time class ends and didn’t see her kid do any of the amazing dance moves because she’s been chatting up the dads who were delegated to bring in kids. She’s been standing just a little too close to any remotely hot guys. Married or not, she’s reliving her teenhood, not her childhood.

My opening line: “Hey, did I notice that guy’s lack of wedding band over there, like way over there, no, look there… you want me to break the ice for you?”

So grab that tutu, your attitude, and attend in whatever way you want to attend because twirling is mandatory. So is becoming my best friend.

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5 Moms You’ve Seen at the Check-Out Counter
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I’ve been recently obsessed with observing how moms behave when at the check out counter. It’s almost like there should be a hidden camera permanently placed there to catch their many embarrassing and less than composed moments. I’ve actually caught myself mid eye roll and deep sigh when the barely out of college cashier refuses to exchange a scarf covered in ducks that I was gifted last Christmas. Big shout out to my MIL for thinking of me.

Ridiculous requests mama:

She’s usually seen trying to exchange an item from 8 months earlier or use a voucher for another store (which has shut down). Clearly not allowed and yet, she will try and try and try and if that doesn’t work she’ll stand there and cry until the manager comes out. She makes stores open up other check-out aisles because the cue behind her snakes out to the frozen section.

Headless chicken mama:

She darts off to grab a few last items. She unloads her entire purse on the carrousel to find her wallet, leaving those around her to gape at the amount of crumb-and-chewed-candy encrusted raisins are rolling around with her iPhone, receipts, Legos and My Little Ponies. But you barely notice for the high-pitched conversation going on between her and her kids about them putting stuff back (namely sugar-laden shit). She leaves things at the cashier, including her baby. Everyone can’t help but help her because we are shit scared we are her on a bad day.

Executive composed mama:

She’s always equipped with a list, an agenda, and a pair of comfy shoes to walk quickly and get things done without the hassle of heels. Her children are not with her. She may have had to give a BJ to get this shopping time alone.

 Chilled out cruiser mama:

This mom does not have a list or an agenda or a schedule or shoes. She’s pretty last minute with her tasks and she tunes out her kids’ requests until they give up as she studies the labels on free-range quorn or whatever it is she’s buying. There are no E-additives in her trolley, but neither is there anything edible.

Let’s hug mama:

She is on the lookout for whom to buy groceries for. But when she does it she might also hand out flyers to her next home buying event or workshop on simplifying your life. She’ll also tend to buy the groceries only when she’s in the 10-items-or-less aisle.

Needless to say there’s tons of different mamas and tons of different moments you may catch them in. If they’re being a bit psychotic and are in headless chicken mode please don’t gawk. Just smile and maybe promise her things will get better. You never know if she’s preggo, had just delivered or if she had a bad morning dealing with a grumpy toddler or an even grumier MIL who keeps asking why you’re not wearing her duck scarf gift.

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I can tell what type of mom you are based on your kid’s costume
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Ahhh it’s that time of year again. Everything is all “holiday talk” and pumpkin spice latte stained. I love it but it’s also a hell of a lot of pressure. And all that pressure is on… you Mom, to get or make or steal a costume and decorate the hell out of your house. I don’t believe in judging but I can tell what type of mom you are based on your kid’s costume. And it’s okay because I am frankly envious of anyone who can sew anything more than a button. Take the mini quiz and figure out which one you are!

1) It’s Oct 30th and you are busy:

a) waiting for your turn in the ER because you overdid it with the glue gun and are now waiting for the skin and burn specialist

b) joining Amazon Prime and praying that mermaid costume turns up by 1pm

c) burning down your house to avoid the inevitable comparison-fest of the neighborhood parade. A blackened shell gets more sympathy or could be construed as the most awesome haunted house ever

2) It’s November 1st and you can’t get out of bed because you’re:

a) so exhausted from handing out a body bag’s worth of candy

b) scrambling around trying to get a group of kids together to walk around in their costumes again you know, because you totally forgot that Halloween was last night

c) phoning your insurance company

3) Scrolling through the photos on your phone on November 1st you can’t help but cringe:

a) when you see how many before-and-after shots, screenshots, and Pinterest-worthy photos you have. So what if you had to delete some newborn baby pictures to capture how a woman turned her whole house into a dragon’s belly complete with treasure?

b) at final photos of personal items now lost in the neighborhood from that witch’s costume you pulled together out of your broom, your cat, your black tie event black gown, your jewelry, and your high heels

c) at the charred sooty mess your phone is now

 

Mostly A’s: Bigger better badder 

The I-started-in-August type of mom. You really get into Halloween and believe that this is a way to show your child how much you love them. You know, even though you might get a tad tetchy when they won’t stand still while you measure their extended arm length so the devil’s pitchfork is a perfect height for the photos. She’s competitive only with herself but dammit she needs to outdo that ghoul-rising-out-of-balsam-wood-coffin costume from last year.

 Mostly B’s: Practical but Imaginative

Ahhh, the balanced one who whips something up from her arts & crafts cupboard on October 30th to everyone’s delight. Every mama thinks she is this woman but the actual statistic proves that only 1 in 469 is. So basically one mom per elementary school. Yeah, you want to take a chance the day before Hallowe’en that you can wing it?

Mostly C’s: It’s Halloween time, already? 

This mama doesn’t waste time or good money on this silly event. Or any event. Birthdays are a homemade cupcake or a Starbucks muffin. So she convinces her kids to wear what they wore in 2012. The intention is there, she just feels that her time and brain power could be better used elsewhere like researching science summer camps for her baby who showed a keen interest in how things work by chewing the Apple TV remote.

 

Whatever type of mom you are, please remember to let your little ones indulge just a bit with the candy and costumes and don’t be so hard on yourself either. After all, whiskers take a few seconds to draw on your kid’s face and boom, she’s a cat.

 

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35 years 35 revelations
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Alright. I didn’t want to do the typical birthday post but then I decided that I had to and hey, worst case scenario is that it would suck.

Okay so I’m 35. 35. 35. 35. I thought turning 30 was a big deal but 35? This is when a mid-life crisis happens. I started researching what famous person accomplished what remarkable thing at 35 then stopped and remembered this quote, “Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”

Except when my dad recites the quote he leaves out a few things and it comes out sounding like this, “You have the same number of days a week as Albert Einstein.” The End. Simple as that.

My husband apparently gets my birthday right every 5 years because 25 was great (rooftop bash in NYC). 30 was better (skydiving) and 35, the best so far, a weekend getaway. Everything in between was a blur of brunches I didn’t want to be at, nights I was exhausted from after, and “surprise” events he was so stressed about organizing that I had to overreact my thrill at it all.

So here are a few of the things I’ve learned and come to terms with.

  1. Mini milestones should be celebrated.
  2. Nothing is worth it. Nothing. Nope, not even that.
  3. Don’t dramatize.
  4. Just about everything can be undone.
  5. Just jump.
  6. You’ll regret NOT jumping more than jumping.
  7. The beach can fix just about anything. Even lifeless hair (which mine never is. Ugh. Hello, frizz).
  8. When in doubt don’t have the third cup of coffee. Ever.
  9. Under eye cream should be your new best friend at 25.
  10. Always hang out with people who are just as tired as you.
  11. Eeyores can never be Tiggers and Tiggers can never be Eeyores.
  12. Ugly cries are called ugly cries for a reason. Cover your mouth when you do it.
  13. Be the change you want to see in the world and when you can’t, roll your eyes and try again.
  14. Don’t stress it’s not worth it.
  15. Don’t stress it’s not worth it.
  16. Don’t stress… okay I think you got it, right?
  17. In the midst of an argument? Wash your hands. Water heals.
  18. Love your MIL more than you think possible. She will love you for it.
  19. Get people gifts you think they’ll love, not gifts you think you’d love.
  20. Remember that people criticize in others what they fear they are guilty of themselves.
  21. Prioritize your circle. Your kids, your puzzle pieces.
  22. Read what you like not what you feel like you have to like.
  23. Cute workout clothes are a must. It will get your ass in the gym.
  24. Messy braids are always in style no matter what the fashionistas say.
  25. Eating 3 bags of Skittles is only bad if you don’t brush your teeth.
  26. Drinks should not be mixed.
  27. There is no shame in lying flat on your back to try and zip up your jeans. Pre pregnancy or not.
  28. Don’t underestimate the power of Vicks Vapor Rub… or positive thinking.
  29. Eating edaname and popcorn are great stress relievers.
  30. Spend 10 minutes outside for every 5 spent indoors staring at a computer.
  31. Write about where you travel, what you ate, and who you met.
  32. Admit to hating tea.
  33. Learn that not everyone thinks the skill of touching your tongue to your nose is incredible.
  34. Everything breaks and grows.
  35. Laugh at the absurdity of where you thought you’d be at 35.

Since we’re in the spirit of giving I have to ask you for a favor. Get commenting on my blog. Let me know what you want to see more of and less of. Let me know what you hate and love and wanna see listed. Pressure is on you now. Yup, let me know!

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