Preggo lingo: So I’ve coined the following three terms: first crymester, second frymester, third buymester. They make more sense to me than this “trimester” trend. I mean, really what use is a trimester when we are preggo for 10 months anyway? It tells you absolutely nothing of what’s in store.
I wanted some detail. All moms-to-be and preggo moms are on the desperate hunt for those details. How much, what happens when, what fluids to expect, and above all else – what is normal!?
So what should all you newly preggo moms out there expect? Well, the first crymester, as I’ve called it, is exactly what the name entails. Yup, a whole lot of crying. No, no, much more than you’re imagining.
I’m talking about a lot of tears. Largely without reason. Well, some with reason but no reason that can be logically justified or rationally explained.
Here’s what happens: there will be an incident. Any type of incident and you, or whoever is pregnant within a 50-mile radius of this incident, will sob. And sob. And sniffle. And forget about why you’re crying in the first place and then vaguely remember and clutch on so tightly to that distant memory of why you’re “upset” and exploit it. You put that memory on a pedestal and do a traditional Indian rain dance (of course, because it’s dramatic enough and because tears are made of salt and water). So, stock up on tissues, delete any Sam Smith iTunes downloads and make sure to warn your husband in these first few months. God help him.
The second frymester is where you’re kind of feeling a bit better about being pregnant. Your nausea has somewhat subsided and you’re ready to ingest some food. Okay, at least more than a cracker or two. Congratulations you can semi tolerate being around your husband and are back down to showering only once a day because you no longer feel “disgusting” and “gross,” as recent polls have shown that all women, actually an astounding 98% feel that way in the first three months. You’re suddenly starving. As though you’ve never eaten before. Then like an avalanche (really stupid analogy?) it comes at you. You crave anything and everything fried. Deep fried. Double fried. Fried in butter batter or any batter. It is starting to get better for you at this point and now you actually understand why people have more than one child. I mean, at least a little bit more than during those moments of dry heaving over a toilet. Or trashcan. Or your friend’s purse.
The third buymester is when panic mode sets in. You have been so worried about all the tests until now that not only have you essentially not enjoyed the entire process but you have also not bought anything on all the lists you researched and printed out from the thousands of “useful links” you’ve bookmarked. Suddenly you are Russell Crowe from that scene in A Beautiful Mind. You rattle off numbers and objects and where to find them all with messy arrows mapping out your “efficient trip to the mall” where you convince your husband you can purchase and finish everything in an hour. It pretty much looks like this:
Final word? There is nothing rational about being pregnant. You can categorize these nine (actually ten months!) under these cutely named umbrellas as I’ve done here, but that won’t change the reality of it. Each stage is just that – a stage. You will cry, crave, and consume retail items you don’t need. Just try and enjoy it for what it is: a process with some hip lingo.