Having a newborn isn’t a new thing to me. I’ve been on this bucking bronco twice now, but I haven’t been on it with other little ones who are barely 3 and 1! So, I’m scared. I am. (Even though I love the smell, shoes, onesies, and hair. But mostly that smell. What is that? Cotton candy, hugs and home baked bread?)

I used to focus purely on the sentimental cuddly stuff, but this pregnancy I’m also remembering how weird newborns look. Yeah. That really freaky stuff. When you’re thinking, “Wait, did I just give birth to a werewolf?”

Here are 7 critters from the animal world that you may be reminded of whilst gazing at your bundle of baby love:

  1. Giant Black Slug: That first black poop with the consistency of tar and sounds like the word melatonin but isn’t. Honestly, youtube giant black slug and be disgusted. Even though I’m poop obsessive this will still creep me out third time round.
  1. Snake: The peeling-off skin thing. Like a whole layer. And no, moisturizing doesn’t help and you can’t scrub either.
  1. American Eagle: That going-bald phase. I hated finding patches of my baby’s hair in their crib, but it’s part of the process and this time I’m thinking I might just shave his head to save him the embarrassing patchy look.
  1. Toad: Those little white bumps that look like white heads which apparently are called milia, and I have no idea why they appear but they disappear in a few weeks. That’s going to be a heck of a photoshop job after the newborn photoshoot I have scheduled. Unless I apply cover all?
  1. Werewolf: Whether your baby’s got a full head of hair or is completely bald, there’s a good chance they have some body hair. Affectionately known as peach fuzz, the medical term for it is lanugo, and it’s there to regulate the baby’s body temperature in the womb or something like that. Whatever you do, don’t break out a razor or wax to get rid of it: it’ll shed soon enough. My daughter had it on her ears. Avoid the light of a full moon if it’s really bad…
  1. Opossum: I’m sorry but they are… cross-eyed. At least in the beginning. A newborn’s eyes don’t always move in perfect unison. That off-kilter gaze is simply due to the fact that, like the rest of them, they are uncoordinated and need practice flexing those muscles.
  1. Stork: I remember freaking out the first time I saw the mark on the back of my daughter’s neck. Now it makes me think of the movie

So, I now have this gorgeous newborn who’s safe and sound and out of the womb. I’m still kind of high fiving myself for keeping him in until week 37 and proud of myself for sacrificing sex, spice and my sanity the last three months. I’m also high fiving myself for not complaining too much about the steroid shots and nightly progesterone suppositories to relax my uterus. Ugh. So, next on my to do list is how to sort out my lovable mini werewolf’s hair situ out. Not calling the spa for a waxing appointment just yet, but definitely going to keep my eye on the amount of skin versus “fur” across all 2.9 kilos of his body.


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