The best thing my mom has ever done for me was give me permission to doubt. Permission to question. Permission to fear.
As a mom, there are certain things you can never learn. Certain things that can’t be bought or taught or understood.
You just have to accept and hope that the unpleasantness or uncertainty will pass. To which I respond with the question, “when?” I mean, when will it pass? I always want to shout, “I need timelines, people, not vagueness.” But, still, I’ve learned to look these fears straight in the eye then call my mom and ask if what I am feeling is normal before bursting into tears and digging my spoon deep into a carton of macadamia nut brittle.
Here are my 11 fears:
1. That she will not know how much I love her.
I try to tell her. To show her. To explain it. But I’m scared she will not understand. She most probably won’t until she has kids of her own and then I’m almost certain I’ll get that phone call that I made to my mom when my baby was around two months old. It was a sobby squeaky phone call where I could barely get out the words, “Love you, Mama.” In that moment I understood all she had done for me out of love. And I finally understood that I would never love her as much as she loved me.
2. That she will not see me trying.
Moms make mistakes. I make a lot of them actually. Wrong snack. Not enough blankets, too many blankets. Posing as a helicopter mom in music class or too uninvolved in her dance class. But I’m trying and will always try my very best. Pinkie promise.
3. That we won’t be friends.
The sort of friends who go for lunch and chit chat about coloring inside the lines or career moves.
4. That I’ll embarrass her.
I’m loud and silly and messy and like to color outside of the lines. My hair usually looks like a bad perm job after a day at the beach and even worse first thing in the morning.
5. That I’ll find her boyfriends attractive.
I mean at the rate that things are going we seem to have the same taste in men. Daddy is, after all, super attractive and she is in that phase of long kisses on the lips. I’m still not sure how to address that issue…so I won’t until her daddy complex has subsided.
6. That she’ll lie to me and sneak out.
7. That she won’t want to steal my clothes because I won’t be cool.
8. That I’ll be an awful Mother.
9. That I’ll be an awful Mother in law.
10. That I won’t have prepared her to hope for the best, but instead expect the worst of life and people.
11. That I won’t realize any mistakes I’ve made for 10-20 years so it’s too late to correct them.
So there you have it there’s my list. And one more to add: I’m scared she’ll read this and not find it funny, witty or insightful. Then what?